i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
