Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
