i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
