we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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