That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
