Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
