Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
