I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
