i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
