Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize