ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
