I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
