your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
