that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
