thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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