never play flip cup with pint glasses
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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