cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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