shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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