I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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