I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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