dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
