my mouth tastes like poor choices
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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