ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
