He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
