either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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