i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize