definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
