im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
