Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
