I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
