I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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