Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you will always have a special place in my vag
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
