Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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