Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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