So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Randomize
