I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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