matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize