trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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