I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
