Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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