what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
