You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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