I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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