he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
