Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize