He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize