my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
