if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
my being single is dangerous.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
