someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
