Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
