By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
