I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
a search helicopter?!
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize