i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
