Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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