he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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