Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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