I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
